he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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