god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
