What did we do last night that was yellow?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
