He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
