true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
