Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Someone shattered a urinal.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
