I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
