Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
