when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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