I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
