I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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