i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
