My sheets look like a crime scene.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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