GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
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while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
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this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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