dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
