This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I want her autograph on my taint
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
