trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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