The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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