I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
