who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
