We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
