i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
