I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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