he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
