Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
