last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
