Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
should my penis look like a turkey
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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