3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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