Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
