paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
it glows. i had to have it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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