I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
