i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
