I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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