I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
