no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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