Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
