I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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