I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
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so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
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They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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