I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
