Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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