shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
