Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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