I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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