If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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