im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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