like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
