remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
