apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
