How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
