Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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