look no pants
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
