there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
