I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
