she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
