I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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